Please, Sir, May I Have Some Boobs?

Last night at dinner (after the kids were abed, of course), I told Hubby that I'd like breast implants.

"NooOOoooo!" He whined. I expected this. For the last year we've been having an ongoing battle over my boobs, or the lack thereof. I am a girl with what's known as "Asian Horizons" . . .  flat as far as the eye can see! My shirts bag in the front. Bras never fit right. Worst of all, I look like a little BOY in a bikini. I can deal with the flat ass since big butts never did it for me. But I WANT BOOBS. It's my body and I have a right to have knockers if I want'em!

Hubby disagrees. He believes that breast implants will look and feel fake. This is the guy who won't let me wear earrings because "they're distracting and annoying". He doesn't like too much make-up (it's gross) and hates it when I wear heels (to save my feet from bunions). Hubby is they guy who likes the all-natural, girl-next-door who apparently doesn't need to have boobies. I think he has this idea that I'll roll over in bed and crack open his skull with my rock-hard, triple-D jugs. I earnestly assure him that I only want a modest B-cup (something NORMAL for Pete's sake!) and the surgeon came highly recommended by our oculoplastics surgeon in my clinic. Even better, it would incredibly low-cost since I work there and they would be doing me a favor while treating me like a queen! Its perfect!!!

AND YET. . . Hubby likes my itty-bitty titties. He wants the glorified mosquito bites, the radio-knobs, the nothing-but-nipples-there chest! He thinks I look lovely with fabric sagging in the chest on my dresses and totally thinks my training bras are sexy. I know what you're thinking- he's faking it. Hubby really wants the boobs but knows the wife will resent him for it and chooses a happy marriage instead. But believe it or not, we've actually gotten into multiple fights over this! He insists he hates the huge, fake breasts and will not give me permission (excuse me?) to ruin my perfect body. Jeez. How do you fight with someone who loves you just the way you are??? He's fighting completely unfairly, which is why I still have no boobs. I'm not going to go ahead and have the implants without his approval, then have it be a focal point for resentment for the rest of our married lives. Its not like me buying an exorbitantly expensive Louis Vuitton handbag without his permission- I could hide it and use it when he's not around. Breasts are RIGHT THERE, ALL THE TIME, right in your face. And he'd hate them forever, even if they looked and felt great. He'd hate them because we didn't make the decision together as man and wife.

And so, like Oliver, I find myself begging "Please, sir, may I have some boobs?" every other week. And like the mean headmaster at the orphanage, he cruelly refuses.

O well. Maybe I'll go get me that expensive handbag.