The Three Types of Gay Men (or Why My Gay Clinic Manager is Such a Bitch)

     I grew up in catholic schools by a typical Tiger Mom so I've never actually interacted with a whole bunch of gay people. In point of fact, I've never actually interacted with a whole bunch of anything (how could I when I wasn't allowed to leave the house until my thirties??). However, in my admittedly limited life experience, I've found that there are 3 types of gay men. The first is the One Man Crime Against Womankind - he's gorgeous, he's clean, he's sensitive and a killer dresser. He drinks wine, not beer, and knows how to cook. He likes art. He leaves the toilet seat down! He's dress you better than yourself and is the bestest girlfriend you will ever have the pleasure to shop with. He's perfectly perfect for women...but for that teeny, tiny "will only sleep with guys" issue. When women learn that truth, they sigh and say, "well of course he's gay" in resignation, then plod back to their beer-belching, butt-scratching, raised-by-wolves men, more depressed than ever. Its like being shown a big, thick, juicy steak when starving and then given some smelly beef jerky. I love this gay type but they're totally infuriating.

The second gay type is the Man in Shining Armoire - he's the guy who stays in the closet and possibly in denial. Some of them pretend to be straight in order to live a "normal" life. They often have a "beard" or a girlfriend to further this illusion, and the poor chmucks don't realize that the only person they're kidding is themselves. Everyone more than likely KNOWS he's gay and just looks on him with pity as he stumbles through his bad, bad act. No one believes you're straight when you undress my husband with your eyes, dear! Some of them hate themselves to the point that they actually become homophobic, which in my opinion is just fu*ked up. It makes me want to throw a Gay Intervention where we lock him in a room with his friends and beat on him rainbow flags until he admits he's a Friend of Dorothy.

The third type of gay man is the absolute worst: The Mean Bitch. This gay man takes ALL the worst characteristics of a woman and makes it his own. He gossips and bad-mouths you behind your back. He's vindictive and petty and will get you back if he thinks you've wronged him. He's manipulative, loves to play mind-games, and god help you if he's your boss! He will go out of his way to belittle you, your clothes, your hair and your dog...while trying to convince you that he's your best friend.

Guess which gay man I have as a Clinic Manager?

 As I am the only female doctor in my clinic, he seems to single me out for his bitchiness. Perhaps its because I'm prettier, perhaps because he's insecure... or maybe because he knows I hate his freaking guts. Regardless, he makes it his personal mission to put me down at least once a day. I once recieved the Employee of the Month award at the hospital (complete with a gorgeous wooden plaque), and when I happily showed it to the Chief of Ophthalmology, the creep said, "they give those out to everybody". See? A total gay bitch. But I believe he's this way because he is also the second gay type- in the closet. He's told everyone about his girlfriend the dancer, but whenever he gets a cell phone call we all hear a man's voice. He's also got the typical gay trappings that set off anyone's gay-dar such as calling everyone "girlfriend", snapping his fingers when he thinks he made a cutting remark, and using the word fabulous. And don't get me started on his mincing little walk. At work he's in the closet...but honey, we all know he's in there. He's frustrated about hiding his sexuality at work so he takes it out on the only person he doesn't want to bump uglies with = me. I am his competition for male attention and jealousy makes him mean.

     Whatever. There is only so much I take before I politely tell him to suck it. And publicly. He'll then tell everyone I'm having my period and then things quiet down before he'll pick on me again. What can I say? Its a job.

...but if you hear about a doctor who stabs a gay man in the eye with a sharpie, bail me out of jail, would you?