Why Asian Women Take Pictures of Their FOOD

If you're on Facebook, or Twitter, or some other such damn social media thing, you'll notice a disturbing trend: Asian women love to take pictures of their food. It can be anything from a breakfast brunch to a full on buffet dinner, anywhere from a skanky diner to a 5 star restaurant in NYC. I've seen it. I've DONE it. They'll be sitting someplace, making conversation and enjoying their zero-calorie  drinks, when their entree makes an entree. They'll pull out their huge state-of-the-art Nikons and start snapping away, forever immortalizing the tantalizing dish! Then they post it, proudly showing what they ate.

WHY THE HELL DO ASIANS DO THIS?

Its stupid. No one wants to see food they're never going to eat. We know this. So why do we do it anyways? Let's look at the typical Asian female. They have dark hair. They're shorter in stature. They resemble a bean pole with legs. In fact, they're so skinny a stick would say to them, "you're skinny!". Asian culture in particular abhors obesity and in fact prefers a more androgynous shape to the female body. How do they get this boy-body? Well...they don't eat. They like to LOOK at food, but not eat it. If they ate food, they might (god forbid) get some hips. So they'll go to a place where people eat food, order the food, and then spend the rest of the time staring at it. The fact is that they will take pictures so that they will feel like they're at least interacting in SOME way with food. It is pathetic on so many different levels but there you have it. My people.

Now I am no where close to the stick-iness of these Asian girls, but I do take pics of my dinner sometimes. (I say sometimes because most times I snarf it down before I think of taking a picture) I understand the mentality the Asian girls have since I share it. We have food issues, that is a given. I've spent so much time and energy in my life trying to achieve some impossible weight, that I now have a moderate obsession with sustenance. I am now at a point in my life where I don't give a flying rat-f*ck about my weight and will eat what I damn well want. My food is pretty. My food is art. I'm intensely thankful that I get to finally EAT IT. Thus, a new Facebook post of chicken francese with garlic new potatoes. Enjoy.

It may be confusing and maybe a little disturbing to see postings of somebody's chicken and waffles. But don't mess
with us... we're dealing with our issues.

AND WE'RE HUNGRY.

Men Who Obsess Over BBQ...and the Women Who Love Them.

What is it about men and charred bits of meat? Most men will wax on ad nauseum about the perfect way to grill a steak, the best marinades for salmon vs. chicken, or the optimal time to grill veggies. This from the same guys who refuse to boil an egg in the kitchen. But set a grill in the backyard on a hot, sunny day and you'll see a crowd of said men around it, conversing seriously with each other. It's like the Geneva Convention...but with beer. Perhaps they remember a nascent neanderthalic memory of throwing their kills over a large fire-pit after a successful hunt, beating their bare chests and waving their spears around in victory while their women looked on proudly inside their caves.

Granted, bar-b-qued food tastes great. Nothing says summer like the smell of cooked meat on the grill. But some guys go WAY overboard. Why buy a $1500 grill when a $20 cheap charcoal hibachi does the same damn thing? For $1500 that grill better serve me the food and give me a shiatsu massage too! There's blue-tooth thermometers, hamburger patty-makers (I have one - they're called MY HANDS), smokers, planks, injectors and lord knows what else.

I have a name for those special guys who obsess over grilling. They are Charred Meat Elitists. They will look down their noses at non-marinated beef. They scoff and snort at the grills with only 30 temperature settings. They turn their backs on those plebeians who cook their food in tin foil, and disown those who believe all cuts of meat are equal. BBQ snobs. Well they can sneer at my $3 package of hot dogs- it's just as good as their Asian-Pickled-Cucumber Marinated Octopus...and my kids will actually eat it.

Me? I tend not to like fire due to the whole burning-down-the-house and/or causing-the-most-horrifyingly-painful-way-to-die thing. And since I am the most uncoordinated person presently existing, being around fire is a bad, bad thing. Yesterday I learned that spraying PAM directly onto a pan on top of a gas stove leads to the creation of a mini flame-thrower, without the fun. So I just don't get the grill obsession. It's burned meat. Maybe I'm not ONE with the grill. Maybe I'm not into 5 different ways to marinate a shrimp.

Or maybe its just because I don't have testicles. Whatever.

Jesus is NOT a Zombie

People who know me knows I am a fan of the paranormal, sci-fi and fantasy world. I drooled over Edward and thrilled with Harry. I am a voracious reader of romances involving vampires, werewolves and witches, sometimes involving all three! I haven't, to my shame, attended any comic cons, but mainly because no one else will go with me.

     Why the obsession? These characters, one and all, are superior in some way. The vampires are hot and OOZE sex appeal and will live forever. The werewolves are hot and aggressive and will live forever. Witches have powers to do serious crap...and will live forever. See a theme? Now zombies...they're a different story. What is there to like about zombies? They're gross, stinky, falling apart and are DEAD. There is nothing sexy or appealing about them, and yet they're "trendy" right now. Warm Bodies is a movie currently playing right now about a zombie romance which is as weird as it sounds. I can't imagine kissing something that's nasty, although some of my ex-boyfriends have come close.

     With that context, I had a discussion with my hubby about why Jesus is not a zombie (don't ask how this came about, but please keep in mind this is a typical type of discussion between the two of us). First of all, a zombie is someone who is dead but animated, otherwise known as "undead". They're actively decaying and at some point will literally fall to pieces. Most of the time they don't know what the hell is going on, and shuffle around at the bidding of the bad person who called them up in the first place. Jesus died, yes, but He was brought back to life. He was breathing and NOT decaying and pretty cognizant for somebody who was just tortured and crucified and stabbed to death. He is The Man...and not undead. God gave Jesus some holy CPR and that's all there is to it. NOT undead.

     SO there you have it. Jesus is not a zombie. For those of you who are preparing for the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse, please feel reassured that Jesus will not be at the front lines directing your own horrible, painful and slow demise- y'all are doing fine on your own with that.